Ramblings of a late night

I admire all the young women I see in sobriety. I'm very young (nineteen to be exact). But, when I see girls who are seventeen (or around that age) who have a year or more it amazes me. I would be lieing if I said it didn't make me on some level jealous. What do they have that I didn't have when I was their age. Oh, yes. Willingness. I think that is one of the three key things. Openmindedness and honesty are the other two. I didn't have any of those three things. I wasn't open minded. I remember going to meetings when I was sixteen and watching people a great deal older then me share. I would always think to myself "What am I doing here? I am sixteen for God's sake! There is no way that I am an addict or an alcoholic. I haven't lost anything. My mother gives me what I want and if she doesn't she will..."

Sometimes I still don't think I've lost anything all the significant. I wasn't on the streets. This time around I really didn't lose anything, except the one thing that means the most to me. I lost my dignity. I lost my sense of self respect. I lost me. I'm a fucking alcoholic. I'm a fucking addict. I'm self centered as hell. Let's just be real. I don't like to write this, but it's the truth: I am the most important person in my world. And, God damn it, sometimes I think I am the most important person in every world. But, I'm not...

I ended up going to a meeting Sunday night. THe topic at the meeting was "Reservations, what keeps you from getting drunk?" I didn't share because it was one of those time where I needed to shut the fuck up and listen. Later I got to think about it. What keeps me from getting drunk? What keeps me from doing drugs one day at a time?

I guess I'm scared if I go out there I'll die. I'm afraid to drink because it leads me to the dope, which turns me into this monster. I get crazy. MAybe I stay in the program because I was lonely and now I'm not lonely. And if I am I just tell people that and then I don't have to be so alone. People really love me, care about me. I didn't have that when I was out there. Maybe I haven't drank because I don't destroy myself, I get to beautiful again inside and out. I was starting to lose that. Maybe I stay because I'm starting to get to know who I am, the woman I am capable of being. I've lived my life in my lies. I never wanted to tell anyone anything real because then they'd get to know me. And I couldn't have that. But, you want to know the real reason I sty no matter what? All of these reasons. No matter what I go through I have the knowledge that as long as I don't pick up things will somehow improve. They will get better. I think the thing that got me to six months was learning I didn't have to use no matter what, even if I wanted to...

I am now pulling everything together. I am going to San Francisco for about five days. That's just what the doctor ordered. A small vacation. On Friday, before I leave, I am speaking on a panel. I've never done so before. I hope it goes well...