A blessed individual

I so often lose sight of the feeling of being greatful. I like to concentrate on what I don't have and what needs to change. I often forget what I still do have. I'm an addict. Ofcourse I want to focus on the negative. Are you fucking kidding me? Bu, latelely (the past few days) I've been listening to people who are just beginiing their recovery journey share. It makes me realize how ungreatful I have been and how much I need to realize what I do have.

I have over six months clean and that is a fucking miracle. I am a fucking miracle. I need to try my hardest to remian in a place of grace, serenity, and ofcourse greatfulness. Ofcourse, I probably won't remain there for that long, but I am going to strive for it. Can anyone ask any different of me?

Sometimes I think and act as if I have one million years clean and sober, when compared to the grand scheme of things I have a day. And I need to remember that. I really do. I have just the same ammount of time as the new comer does.

In certain support groups it really makes me angry when they tell the new comer to shut the fuck up because they don't know anything. My opinion is that we need to hear the new comer share. They show us that it's still not working out there. If it was new people wouldn't come in tore up from the floor up. They wouldn't. They'd be living happy god damn lives out there. But, they aren't. They come in (sometimes) in tears, fucked up, and just fucking unhappy. At least that was my story...

So I am greatful to be a member of my 12 step group. I am greatful that I am able to stick my hand out and offer my experiance, strength, and hope. My experiance is my story. My strength is that no matter what happens I don't have to get loaded even if I want to. If you don't pick up you won't get loaded. It's really that simple. My hope is that by doing the things that are suggested to me I can stay clean and sober one day at a time. No matter what happens today I am not going to use...

I am greatful that I am losing weight. I am greatful to still have a family. They have their issues but they still are my family. My looks are still intact. I have a roof over my head. I always have food when I am hungry. People love me, REALLY love me. I never wake up in the morning and wonder how I got where I'm at. I know. I have a sense of dignity, of pride because I do not diminish myself...

I need to be working. School has been put on hold. I need to pass my permit test so that I can get my license. I have to go to therapy to deal with things in my past as well. But, the way I look at it, those are things that are manageable that I have the ability to fix. Yes, I am truly a blessed individual