I really hate being sober sometimes. I'm not gonna sit here and act like I am one of those mother fuckers who found their twelve step program and was immediately happy to be there. I'm one of the ones who fought the program with tooth and nail. I wanted so desperately to be normal more than I wanted anything else. All of my life I had always felt different from everyone else. I wish I could also say I was one of those people that came in and immediately the obsession wa slifted. You can put me in the category of the person who has had many relapses and thinks of getting high every day. I think the beautiful thing is that I haven't, one day at a time.
Today is just emotional. I should not be crying like this. I should be finding a soulution to all of this and going with it. But, I'm not. It's liek I'm paralyzed and I can't stop crying. I am so afraid of change. I am also afraid of losing people. But, then I do things to push them away. God, I'm really fucked up in the head sometimes...
I wish there was someone I could just tell all of this to. At this point I can't even tell my sponsor because I'm just going to be yelled at. I'll be the first to admit that I'm the kind of addict and alcoholic that needs to be yelled at. But, sometimes, I just need to be understood. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. Maybe this is my higher power's way of saying I need to ge tmy ass to a meeting...
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4 comments:
This is cool..
Weepy? Overwhelmed? Try the Taoist arch!
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2006/06/weepy-overwhelmed-try-taoist-arch.html
yeah. best place to weep is at a meeting! thats what I always say..
hope you feel better soon!
I always assumed the worst for a very long time, the sky was always gonna fall in, if I took one step out of my very uncomfortable comfort zone, if I told the truth - that I did feel really S**t and I certainly wasnt grateful to be in F**king recovery for a long time. I was the one beating myself around the head, in AA no-one yelled (except the odd crazy one) AA said that they would love me until I could love myself, and thats exactly whats happened. Thanks for telling us exactly how it is for you. ps sorry for the long comment
(knock, knock) Irish Friend sent me.
Hey, I cry at just about every meeting. I have no idea why I am still putting on makeup in the morning. Most of the time its just something small, but the other day I went into the big ugly cry as Oprah calls it. Sometimes its from laughing believe it or not. Everything just feels so BIG. I'm just in my second month of sobriety, just embarking on Step 4 where I'm sure I'll do alot of crying. Good to read your stuff and find another blog buddy.
Hey have you popped in to see these guys? I think you might like them. If not that's fine too. I'm sure I've forgotten loads, but never mind. If I add any more it will get !! out of control so I'm going to stop ! there before I get completely carried away!
Most people have both drink and drugs in their ''usage', and I don't really differentiate, but I have put down the more obvious addict ones, but like I say, I reckon you will find that most did a bit of both. Anyway I can see you have some already in your sidebar, but heres some others just in case you don't already know about them..
First Year
Ms Redhead Gal at
http://whataride.blogspot.com/
Ms Shadow at
http://gsp-shadow.blogspot.com/
Ms Kathy Lynne at
http://www.gospodipomiluj.blogspot.com/
Ms Lea at
http://geisha-interrupted.typepad.com/geisha_interrupted/
Up to Five years
Ms April at (drugs history for sure)
http://adayinthelifeofalcoholanddrugrecovery.blogspot.com/
Ms tkdjunkie
http://tkdjunkiesober.blogspot.com/
Ms Scout at (drugs history for sure)
http://scoutsdaze.blogspot.com/
Ms Sharon
http://sharons-journey.blogspot.com/
Ms Lushgirl
http://lushgurl-yosickmomma.blogspot.com/
Ms Judith at
http://vicariousrising.typepad.com/
More than 10
Ms 2Dogs! At (drugs history I ?? Think)
http://www.twodogsbarking.blogspot.com/
Ms OD2A at
http://itsinthebook.blogspot.com/
Ms Meg at
http://megmoran.blogspot.com/
Cool guys
Mr BDG at
http://braindeadgenius.blogspot.com/
Mr Chris at (drugs history for sure)
http://methedup.net/
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