Frustrations

I suppose that the my main feeling at this point in time is frustration. I feel as if I should have more at this point in my recovery. It's God's will. Not mine. I have to remember that. I forget that so often because I want what I want when I want it. What can I say? I'm truly an addict and a alcoholic. That's not a good excuse though. Impatience, laziness, as well as being controlling are my charectar defects...

I want to be working, driving, going to school, but it isn't coming together in the way I think that it should. But, I need to do the foot work and leave the rest up to God. His will is perfect. I know that mine isn't. I did drugs. That got me to a twelve step program. Oh, yeah. My will is mother fucking briliant, apparently.

It all come down to what I really want, figuring out how to get it, and then turning it over to God. If God wills for me to have it then I will have it. If he doesn't, then it doesn't matter what I do. I won't have it. I'm just frusterated with where I'm at in my place of life...

No matter what happens life can be beautiful if I choose to see the good, focus on the positive. I need to remember that. Things will always be okay in the end. I can't believe that God has brought me this far to drop me on my ass. Let me tell you one thing. I refuse to believe it. I just have to remember my twelve step program only promises freedom from active addiction. Anything else is a gift from God.

I've recieved freedom from active addiction. I dont spend all day with needles in my arms or a pipe in my mouth anymore. I no longer binge drink so I can get to sleep after being up for days. So, I've recieved the only thing the program has promised me...

I just want more. But, I'll continue to pray to God and see what he wills for me. I realize how far I've come. And if I've come this far I can probably go even further. It comes down to turning my will and life over to God or giving up and dieing a hopeless dope fiend... Giving up and giving in is no longer an option to me...