There's this dark place. Perhaps you have seen it. Or maybe it's just somewhere I know. Something like my private hell. I can always go to the worst scenerio and pick myself to pieces. I have access to my worst memories. I suppose this place is my head, my mind. No one has been there. But, everyone has one as well. Also, if you're an addict, an alcoholic then you see the things that I do...
It used to always be dark. The sun would never shine. It was like being trapped inside of a room that was inside of a room. Now there is light much more often then there used to be. Sometimes I pull the blinds down, not wanting the light to shine in. When I allow my place to not always be dark, then I cause myself to take a risk with being vulnerable. But, having light in my life, I think it's okay to be somewhat vulnerable...
I used to hate crying. I saw it as a sign of weakness. I still do hate crying. And when it happens I still feel vulnerable as well as embaressed. I want to retreat to that Dark place because it feels almost safe to me. I realize that sounds twisted. I guess when darkness is what you're used to it's real comfortable. At least it can be for me. The Dark place is my salvation, but yet my destruction on a silver platter...
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1 comment:
Hi, found you via Irish Friend, love the way you post. I find crying healing, not always straight away, but it does. Its a release, I nevr crried for years (not real crying) but now I do, i disnt know what would happen if I did let go. At times nowadays am powerless, it comes and takes over for a few minutes, and its quite exhausting. Anyway better out than in :)
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