Ramblings of a late night

I admire all the young women I see in sobriety. I'm very young (nineteen to be exact). But, when I see girls who are seventeen (or around that age) who have a year or more it amazes me. I would be lieing if I said it didn't make me on some level jealous. What do they have that I didn't have when I was their age. Oh, yes. Willingness. I think that is one of the three key things. Openmindedness and honesty are the other two. I didn't have any of those three things. I wasn't open minded. I remember going to meetings when I was sixteen and watching people a great deal older then me share. I would always think to myself "What am I doing here? I am sixteen for God's sake! There is no way that I am an addict or an alcoholic. I haven't lost anything. My mother gives me what I want and if she doesn't she will..."

Sometimes I still don't think I've lost anything all the significant. I wasn't on the streets. This time around I really didn't lose anything, except the one thing that means the most to me. I lost my dignity. I lost my sense of self respect. I lost me. I'm a fucking alcoholic. I'm a fucking addict. I'm self centered as hell. Let's just be real. I don't like to write this, but it's the truth: I am the most important person in my world. And, God damn it, sometimes I think I am the most important person in every world. But, I'm not...

I ended up going to a meeting Sunday night. THe topic at the meeting was "Reservations, what keeps you from getting drunk?" I didn't share because it was one of those time where I needed to shut the fuck up and listen. Later I got to think about it. What keeps me from getting drunk? What keeps me from doing drugs one day at a time?

I guess I'm scared if I go out there I'll die. I'm afraid to drink because it leads me to the dope, which turns me into this monster. I get crazy. MAybe I stay in the program because I was lonely and now I'm not lonely. And if I am I just tell people that and then I don't have to be so alone. People really love me, care about me. I didn't have that when I was out there. Maybe I haven't drank because I don't destroy myself, I get to beautiful again inside and out. I was starting to lose that. Maybe I stay because I'm starting to get to know who I am, the woman I am capable of being. I've lived my life in my lies. I never wanted to tell anyone anything real because then they'd get to know me. And I couldn't have that. But, you want to know the real reason I sty no matter what? All of these reasons. No matter what I go through I have the knowledge that as long as I don't pick up things will somehow improve. They will get better. I think the thing that got me to six months was learning I didn't have to use no matter what, even if I wanted to...

I am now pulling everything together. I am going to San Francisco for about five days. That's just what the doctor ordered. A small vacation. On Friday, before I leave, I am speaking on a panel. I've never done so before. I hope it goes well...

Sometimes I hate all of this...

I really hate being sober sometimes. I'm not gonna sit here and act like I am one of those mother fuckers who found their twelve step program and was immediately happy to be there. I'm one of the ones who fought the program with tooth and nail. I wanted so desperately to be normal more than I wanted anything else. All of my life I had always felt different from everyone else. I wish I could also say I was one of those people that came in and immediately the obsession wa slifted. You can put me in the category of the person who has had many relapses and thinks of getting high every day. I think the beautiful thing is that I haven't, one day at a time.

Today is just emotional. I should not be crying like this. I should be finding a soulution to all of this and going with it. But, I'm not. It's liek I'm paralyzed and I can't stop crying. I am so afraid of change. I am also afraid of losing people. But, then I do things to push them away. God, I'm really fucked up in the head sometimes...

I wish there was someone I could just tell all of this to. At this point I can't even tell my sponsor because I'm just going to be yelled at. I'll be the first to admit that I'm the kind of addict and alcoholic that needs to be yelled at. But, sometimes, I just need to be understood. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. Maybe this is my higher power's way of saying I need to ge tmy ass to a meeting...

The Dark Place...

There's this dark place. Perhaps you have seen it. Or maybe it's just somewhere I know. Something like my private hell. I can always go to the worst scenerio and pick myself to pieces. I have access to my worst memories. I suppose this place is my head, my mind. No one has been there. But, everyone has one as well. Also, if you're an addict, an alcoholic then you see the things that I do...

It used to always be dark. The sun would never shine. It was like being trapped inside of a room that was inside of a room. Now there is light much more often then there used to be. Sometimes I pull the blinds down, not wanting the light to shine in. When I allow my place to not always be dark, then I cause myself to take a risk with being vulnerable. But, having light in my life, I think it's okay to be somewhat vulnerable...

I used to hate crying. I saw it as a sign of weakness. I still do hate crying. And when it happens I still feel vulnerable as well as embaressed. I want to retreat to that Dark place because it feels almost safe to me. I realize that sounds twisted. I guess when darkness is what you're used to it's real comfortable. At least it can be for me. The Dark place is my salvation, but yet my destruction on a silver platter...

Frustrations

I suppose that the my main feeling at this point in time is frustration. I feel as if I should have more at this point in my recovery. It's God's will. Not mine. I have to remember that. I forget that so often because I want what I want when I want it. What can I say? I'm truly an addict and a alcoholic. That's not a good excuse though. Impatience, laziness, as well as being controlling are my charectar defects...

I want to be working, driving, going to school, but it isn't coming together in the way I think that it should. But, I need to do the foot work and leave the rest up to God. His will is perfect. I know that mine isn't. I did drugs. That got me to a twelve step program. Oh, yeah. My will is mother fucking briliant, apparently.

It all come down to what I really want, figuring out how to get it, and then turning it over to God. If God wills for me to have it then I will have it. If he doesn't, then it doesn't matter what I do. I won't have it. I'm just frusterated with where I'm at in my place of life...

No matter what happens life can be beautiful if I choose to see the good, focus on the positive. I need to remember that. Things will always be okay in the end. I can't believe that God has brought me this far to drop me on my ass. Let me tell you one thing. I refuse to believe it. I just have to remember my twelve step program only promises freedom from active addiction. Anything else is a gift from God.

I've recieved freedom from active addiction. I dont spend all day with needles in my arms or a pipe in my mouth anymore. I no longer binge drink so I can get to sleep after being up for days. So, I've recieved the only thing the program has promised me...

I just want more. But, I'll continue to pray to God and see what he wills for me. I realize how far I've come. And if I've come this far I can probably go even further. It comes down to turning my will and life over to God or giving up and dieing a hopeless dope fiend... Giving up and giving in is no longer an option to me...

A blessed individual

I so often lose sight of the feeling of being greatful. I like to concentrate on what I don't have and what needs to change. I often forget what I still do have. I'm an addict. Ofcourse I want to focus on the negative. Are you fucking kidding me? Bu, latelely (the past few days) I've been listening to people who are just beginiing their recovery journey share. It makes me realize how ungreatful I have been and how much I need to realize what I do have.

I have over six months clean and that is a fucking miracle. I am a fucking miracle. I need to try my hardest to remian in a place of grace, serenity, and ofcourse greatfulness. Ofcourse, I probably won't remain there for that long, but I am going to strive for it. Can anyone ask any different of me?

Sometimes I think and act as if I have one million years clean and sober, when compared to the grand scheme of things I have a day. And I need to remember that. I really do. I have just the same ammount of time as the new comer does.

In certain support groups it really makes me angry when they tell the new comer to shut the fuck up because they don't know anything. My opinion is that we need to hear the new comer share. They show us that it's still not working out there. If it was new people wouldn't come in tore up from the floor up. They wouldn't. They'd be living happy god damn lives out there. But, they aren't. They come in (sometimes) in tears, fucked up, and just fucking unhappy. At least that was my story...

So I am greatful to be a member of my 12 step group. I am greatful that I am able to stick my hand out and offer my experiance, strength, and hope. My experiance is my story. My strength is that no matter what happens I don't have to get loaded even if I want to. If you don't pick up you won't get loaded. It's really that simple. My hope is that by doing the things that are suggested to me I can stay clean and sober one day at a time. No matter what happens today I am not going to use...

I am greatful that I am losing weight. I am greatful to still have a family. They have their issues but they still are my family. My looks are still intact. I have a roof over my head. I always have food when I am hungry. People love me, REALLY love me. I never wake up in the morning and wonder how I got where I'm at. I know. I have a sense of dignity, of pride because I do not diminish myself...

I need to be working. School has been put on hold. I need to pass my permit test so that I can get my license. I have to go to therapy to deal with things in my past as well. But, the way I look at it, those are things that are manageable that I have the ability to fix. Yes, I am truly a blessed individual

The Ugliness of Addiction

I posted these pictures because I wanted people to know how bad addiction truly is. Sometimes movies portray it to be in the club scene (which it is). Alot of the time they even make it out to be fun. Trsut me. It was fun for awhile. I won't lie. Then it stopped being fun. It became about me fighting for my life. There is nothing worse then doing all the drugs you can and hoping that you don't wake up to see the next day. That's a really scary feeling. I'm sick of alot of my friends who don't fight the disease of addiction or alcoholism, thinking that it's alot of fun and games. People lose their lives everyday. And these pictures are just my way of showing the ugliness of addiction...

2 a.m

It's almost two in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I have to be up really early, so the choice to remain awake at this time is probably not the wisest choice that I have made. When you look at all of my past choices you may deduce that many of them weren't wise. I suppose that if I am to be truly honest I would change them if I could. The most beautiful thing about being human is that we are full of flaws. And somehow, those very flaws we destest on many levels are what make us individuals. Being an individual is one of the most beautiful things I can think of.

Some times it is hard to be an individual when you are a member of a world wide 12 step group. Everyone is supposed to have similar charectar traits as well as charectar defects. Everyone is supposed to do the same thing in order to get it, to stay clean to stay sober. So, sometimes we end up associating as a group instead of the individuals we truly are. We are all supposed to get sponsors, take commitments, work the twelve steps, and so on.

I am guilty of so often losing sight of being an individual. Sometimes I even compare my recovery to other people's. How can I though? It is what it is. I am who I am. As long as I don't pick up, as long as I continue to move forward, work a program how can anyone really be in a place to judge me or my actions? No one can. I am going to go to bed now. I will right more on this later. Hell, perhaps I will even be in a greatful mood. God does create miracles...

The Introduction

My name is anonymous and I am an addict. Want to know what it's like in a young adult's life of a recovering addict? What better person to show you than me, someone who is more than half way to a year, loves to write, and has done the deal, and continues to do the deal on a daily basis? I will always be honest, but I will use no names, no real ones. I have learned the hard way that Anonymity is everything...