Analyzing my Relapse...

I had thirteen and a half months and I threw it away as if it dodn't mean a god damn thing to me. Maybe it didn't. Well, I will tell you this much. My clean time, my sobriety, obviously didn't mean as much to me as I thought it did, as much as I wanted to pretend that it did. After the end of August I just stopped caring. I had so much going on in my life and I stopped being in the process. I stopped doing the work. The only thing that shocks me now when I take an honest look at it, is the fact that it took so long for it to happen...

I had put myself on this pedestal that in all honesty really wasn't there. I had a year. I had it going on. Never mind the fact that there are other people in the program with 20 plus years. But, forget about them. I had my shit together. I knew absolutely everything about this program. I knew everything about myself. There wasn't anything you could tell me that I didn't already know.

I didn't just always know what was going on in my own life, but everyone else's as well. Forget about my inventory. That's the fourth step, which, by the way, I had barely started. I was more concerned about your inventory, correcting your inventory, and letting you know exactly how I felt about your shit.

My sponsor would give me direction and I would go and do the direct opposite. I couldn't possibly understand why she was trying to control my life. And I really didn't understand it at all why when I did the direct opposite of what she told me to do, that things never ended up well. I just couldn't possibly understand that maybe she knew what she was talking about.

I got so caught up in the drama that it was bloodly rediculess. It was so rediculess that it borderlined pathetic. Oh, what the hell am I saying? It was pathetic. I observed people so closely that I knew what was going on in their life before even they did. I was just that good...

The issues I had with men embaress me terribly now that I look back on it. It went from man to man, seeking that validation, trying to fill that void, sometimes feeling as if I was just trying to live one more day. I would pick some serious s
losers. In the beginning it started out as a crush. I've always had a thing for badboys. And then before I knew it I was completely obsessed with them and half way in love, at least in my mind. And if anyone got in the way I was simply livid. It got really, really, really sick. And I couldn't see how sick it looked and how sick it actually was.

I could never sit in the entire meeting. I just couldn't. Some drama would be going on at the meeting, always my own making, and I had to be on the phone with so and so and they needed to know what was going on. Then I'd be sharing things in meeting that just wasn't true to me, and had nothing to do with my life. I'd talk about the spiritual principles in my life that I was practicing, how great life was, and the wonderful program was working. None of the three things were the case.

I hadn't had spiritual principles in my life for so long. I had completely lost contact with my higher power. I was my god, or at least whatever guy I happened to like for that week or month, was my higher power. I was running on total and complete self will. I hadn't had a program for a really long time either. And life was not going well at all. In reality I was falling apart. I was slowly killing myself. In reality I was dying from the inside out. Ofcourse I ended up getting loaded. The only thing that shocks me is that it took that long for it to happen...

Now I am in sober living. I'm starting to feel happy again. It's a good feeling. It really is. I'm going to bed now. But, I'm back. And I am going to write in this way more. I missed all of you guys alot. I'll tell you all more of what life has been like soon...