A blessed individual

I so often lose sight of the feeling of being greatful. I like to concentrate on what I don't have and what needs to change. I often forget what I still do have. I'm an addict. Ofcourse I want to focus on the negative. Are you fucking kidding me? Bu, latelely (the past few days) I've been listening to people who are just beginiing their recovery journey share. It makes me realize how ungreatful I have been and how much I need to realize what I do have.

I have over six months clean and that is a fucking miracle. I am a fucking miracle. I need to try my hardest to remian in a place of grace, serenity, and ofcourse greatfulness. Ofcourse, I probably won't remain there for that long, but I am going to strive for it. Can anyone ask any different of me?

Sometimes I think and act as if I have one million years clean and sober, when compared to the grand scheme of things I have a day. And I need to remember that. I really do. I have just the same ammount of time as the new comer does.

In certain support groups it really makes me angry when they tell the new comer to shut the fuck up because they don't know anything. My opinion is that we need to hear the new comer share. They show us that it's still not working out there. If it was new people wouldn't come in tore up from the floor up. They wouldn't. They'd be living happy god damn lives out there. But, they aren't. They come in (sometimes) in tears, fucked up, and just fucking unhappy. At least that was my story...

So I am greatful to be a member of my 12 step group. I am greatful that I am able to stick my hand out and offer my experiance, strength, and hope. My experiance is my story. My strength is that no matter what happens I don't have to get loaded even if I want to. If you don't pick up you won't get loaded. It's really that simple. My hope is that by doing the things that are suggested to me I can stay clean and sober one day at a time. No matter what happens today I am not going to use...

I am greatful that I am losing weight. I am greatful to still have a family. They have their issues but they still are my family. My looks are still intact. I have a roof over my head. I always have food when I am hungry. People love me, REALLY love me. I never wake up in the morning and wonder how I got where I'm at. I know. I have a sense of dignity, of pride because I do not diminish myself...

I need to be working. School has been put on hold. I need to pass my permit test so that I can get my license. I have to go to therapy to deal with things in my past as well. But, the way I look at it, those are things that are manageable that I have the ability to fix. Yes, I am truly a blessed individual

The Ugliness of Addiction

I posted these pictures because I wanted people to know how bad addiction truly is. Sometimes movies portray it to be in the club scene (which it is). Alot of the time they even make it out to be fun. Trsut me. It was fun for awhile. I won't lie. Then it stopped being fun. It became about me fighting for my life. There is nothing worse then doing all the drugs you can and hoping that you don't wake up to see the next day. That's a really scary feeling. I'm sick of alot of my friends who don't fight the disease of addiction or alcoholism, thinking that it's alot of fun and games. People lose their lives everyday. And these pictures are just my way of showing the ugliness of addiction...

2 a.m

It's almost two in the morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I have to be up really early, so the choice to remain awake at this time is probably not the wisest choice that I have made. When you look at all of my past choices you may deduce that many of them weren't wise. I suppose that if I am to be truly honest I would change them if I could. The most beautiful thing about being human is that we are full of flaws. And somehow, those very flaws we destest on many levels are what make us individuals. Being an individual is one of the most beautiful things I can think of.

Some times it is hard to be an individual when you are a member of a world wide 12 step group. Everyone is supposed to have similar charectar traits as well as charectar defects. Everyone is supposed to do the same thing in order to get it, to stay clean to stay sober. So, sometimes we end up associating as a group instead of the individuals we truly are. We are all supposed to get sponsors, take commitments, work the twelve steps, and so on.

I am guilty of so often losing sight of being an individual. Sometimes I even compare my recovery to other people's. How can I though? It is what it is. I am who I am. As long as I don't pick up, as long as I continue to move forward, work a program how can anyone really be in a place to judge me or my actions? No one can. I am going to go to bed now. I will right more on this later. Hell, perhaps I will even be in a greatful mood. God does create miracles...

The Introduction

My name is anonymous and I am an addict. Want to know what it's like in a young adult's life of a recovering addict? What better person to show you than me, someone who is more than half way to a year, loves to write, and has done the deal, and continues to do the deal on a daily basis? I will always be honest, but I will use no names, no real ones. I have learned the hard way that Anonymity is everything...