Suicidal exasperation

Analyzing my Relapse...

I had thirteen and a half months and I threw it away as if it dodn't mean a god damn thing to me. Maybe it didn't. Well, I will tell you this much. My clean time, my sobriety, obviously didn't mean as much to me as I thought it did, as much as I wanted to pretend that it did. After the end of August I just stopped caring. I had so much going on in my life and I stopped being in the process. I stopped doing the work. The only thing that shocks me now when I take an honest look at it, is the fact that it took so long for it to happen...

I had put myself on this pedestal that in all honesty really wasn't there. I had a year. I had it going on. Never mind the fact that there are other people in the program with 20 plus years. But, forget about them. I had my shit together. I knew absolutely everything about this program. I knew everything about myself. There wasn't anything you could tell me that I didn't already know.

I didn't just always know what was going on in my own life, but everyone else's as well. Forget about my inventory. That's the fourth step, which, by the way, I had barely started. I was more concerned about your inventory, correcting your inventory, and letting you know exactly how I felt about your shit.

My sponsor would give me direction and I would go and do the direct opposite. I couldn't possibly understand why she was trying to control my life. And I really didn't understand it at all why when I did the direct opposite of what she told me to do, that things never ended up well. I just couldn't possibly understand that maybe she knew what she was talking about.

I got so caught up in the drama that it was bloodly rediculess. It was so rediculess that it borderlined pathetic. Oh, what the hell am I saying? It was pathetic. I observed people so closely that I knew what was going on in their life before even they did. I was just that good...

The issues I had with men embaress me terribly now that I look back on it. It went from man to man, seeking that validation, trying to fill that void, sometimes feeling as if I was just trying to live one more day. I would pick some serious s
losers. In the beginning it started out as a crush. I've always had a thing for badboys. And then before I knew it I was completely obsessed with them and half way in love, at least in my mind. And if anyone got in the way I was simply livid. It got really, really, really sick. And I couldn't see how sick it looked and how sick it actually was.

I could never sit in the entire meeting. I just couldn't. Some drama would be going on at the meeting, always my own making, and I had to be on the phone with so and so and they needed to know what was going on. Then I'd be sharing things in meeting that just wasn't true to me, and had nothing to do with my life. I'd talk about the spiritual principles in my life that I was practicing, how great life was, and the wonderful program was working. None of the three things were the case.

I hadn't had spiritual principles in my life for so long. I had completely lost contact with my higher power. I was my god, or at least whatever guy I happened to like for that week or month, was my higher power. I was running on total and complete self will. I hadn't had a program for a really long time either. And life was not going well at all. In reality I was falling apart. I was slowly killing myself. In reality I was dying from the inside out. Ofcourse I ended up getting loaded. The only thing that shocks me is that it took that long for it to happen...

Now I am in sober living. I'm starting to feel happy again. It's a good feeling. It really is. I'm going to bed now. But, I'm back. And I am going to write in this way more. I missed all of you guys alot. I'll tell you all more of what life has been like soon...

Changes

Sometimes it’s hard to move on because a lot of the time moving on means letting go of people that you don’t want to. At least that is the negative side. The positive side is realizing that you’ve grown up and apart for them, and leaving them behind is the best thing that you can do for them and yourself. I think it can also mean allowing you to change. There are certain people in all of our lives who help us change and go through it with us. At the same time there are the individuals in all of our lives that we learned what we could from, and now, the two of us are at different places. If we keep them in our lives it could stop of from growing. That’s the last thing I want in my life. Right now my life has so much promise, possibility, love, happiness, and hope.

I have to accept that he’s with someone else. He meant something to me in the moment, but that moment is like any other in life. It doesn’t last forever. It’s gone. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. And I realize the longer I’m away from him, the more I realized how attached to him I was. I’d be lying if I said there aren’t moments that I miss him and in those moments that I’d give anything to go back to April. This is the part where acceptance comes in. He chose to be with her. Not me. It’s over. It’s time to let go of the place in time where I had a deeper meaning in his life. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel the hurt he instilled inside of me, because I still do on some level. He believed in me, still does, and he helped me. But, I don’t need him anymore…

I spoke on another panel Saturday night. The first panel before I went on my trip was like eight women. This time it was about forty women. I was so nervous. But, it was so worth it. I got just as much out of the panel as any of those women could have. It made me feel so grateful and blessed to be clean. I realized what I have and how I will fight tooth and nail before letting it go. I want to live and I never wanted that before. Hell, I want things for myself I never dared to want. Life has been so amazing lately… I get to be a clean and sober woman who lives with a sense of dignity as well as pride. I won’t let that go without a fight.

Ramblings of a late night

I admire all the young women I see in sobriety. I'm very young (nineteen to be exact). But, when I see girls who are seventeen (or around that age) who have a year or more it amazes me. I would be lieing if I said it didn't make me on some level jealous. What do they have that I didn't have when I was their age. Oh, yes. Willingness. I think that is one of the three key things. Openmindedness and honesty are the other two. I didn't have any of those three things. I wasn't open minded. I remember going to meetings when I was sixteen and watching people a great deal older then me share. I would always think to myself "What am I doing here? I am sixteen for God's sake! There is no way that I am an addict or an alcoholic. I haven't lost anything. My mother gives me what I want and if she doesn't she will..."

Sometimes I still don't think I've lost anything all the significant. I wasn't on the streets. This time around I really didn't lose anything, except the one thing that means the most to me. I lost my dignity. I lost my sense of self respect. I lost me. I'm a fucking alcoholic. I'm a fucking addict. I'm self centered as hell. Let's just be real. I don't like to write this, but it's the truth: I am the most important person in my world. And, God damn it, sometimes I think I am the most important person in every world. But, I'm not...

I ended up going to a meeting Sunday night. THe topic at the meeting was "Reservations, what keeps you from getting drunk?" I didn't share because it was one of those time where I needed to shut the fuck up and listen. Later I got to think about it. What keeps me from getting drunk? What keeps me from doing drugs one day at a time?

I guess I'm scared if I go out there I'll die. I'm afraid to drink because it leads me to the dope, which turns me into this monster. I get crazy. MAybe I stay in the program because I was lonely and now I'm not lonely. And if I am I just tell people that and then I don't have to be so alone. People really love me, care about me. I didn't have that when I was out there. Maybe I haven't drank because I don't destroy myself, I get to beautiful again inside and out. I was starting to lose that. Maybe I stay because I'm starting to get to know who I am, the woman I am capable of being. I've lived my life in my lies. I never wanted to tell anyone anything real because then they'd get to know me. And I couldn't have that. But, you want to know the real reason I sty no matter what? All of these reasons. No matter what I go through I have the knowledge that as long as I don't pick up things will somehow improve. They will get better. I think the thing that got me to six months was learning I didn't have to use no matter what, even if I wanted to...

I am now pulling everything together. I am going to San Francisco for about five days. That's just what the doctor ordered. A small vacation. On Friday, before I leave, I am speaking on a panel. I've never done so before. I hope it goes well...

Sometimes I hate all of this...

I really hate being sober sometimes. I'm not gonna sit here and act like I am one of those mother fuckers who found their twelve step program and was immediately happy to be there. I'm one of the ones who fought the program with tooth and nail. I wanted so desperately to be normal more than I wanted anything else. All of my life I had always felt different from everyone else. I wish I could also say I was one of those people that came in and immediately the obsession wa slifted. You can put me in the category of the person who has had many relapses and thinks of getting high every day. I think the beautiful thing is that I haven't, one day at a time.

Today is just emotional. I should not be crying like this. I should be finding a soulution to all of this and going with it. But, I'm not. It's liek I'm paralyzed and I can't stop crying. I am so afraid of change. I am also afraid of losing people. But, then I do things to push them away. God, I'm really fucked up in the head sometimes...

I wish there was someone I could just tell all of this to. At this point I can't even tell my sponsor because I'm just going to be yelled at. I'll be the first to admit that I'm the kind of addict and alcoholic that needs to be yelled at. But, sometimes, I just need to be understood. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. Maybe this is my higher power's way of saying I need to ge tmy ass to a meeting...

The Dark Place...

There's this dark place. Perhaps you have seen it. Or maybe it's just somewhere I know. Something like my private hell. I can always go to the worst scenerio and pick myself to pieces. I have access to my worst memories. I suppose this place is my head, my mind. No one has been there. But, everyone has one as well. Also, if you're an addict, an alcoholic then you see the things that I do...

It used to always be dark. The sun would never shine. It was like being trapped inside of a room that was inside of a room. Now there is light much more often then there used to be. Sometimes I pull the blinds down, not wanting the light to shine in. When I allow my place to not always be dark, then I cause myself to take a risk with being vulnerable. But, having light in my life, I think it's okay to be somewhat vulnerable...

I used to hate crying. I saw it as a sign of weakness. I still do hate crying. And when it happens I still feel vulnerable as well as embaressed. I want to retreat to that Dark place because it feels almost safe to me. I realize that sounds twisted. I guess when darkness is what you're used to it's real comfortable. At least it can be for me. The Dark place is my salvation, but yet my destruction on a silver platter...

Frustrations

I suppose that the my main feeling at this point in time is frustration. I feel as if I should have more at this point in my recovery. It's God's will. Not mine. I have to remember that. I forget that so often because I want what I want when I want it. What can I say? I'm truly an addict and a alcoholic. That's not a good excuse though. Impatience, laziness, as well as being controlling are my charectar defects...

I want to be working, driving, going to school, but it isn't coming together in the way I think that it should. But, I need to do the foot work and leave the rest up to God. His will is perfect. I know that mine isn't. I did drugs. That got me to a twelve step program. Oh, yeah. My will is mother fucking briliant, apparently.

It all come down to what I really want, figuring out how to get it, and then turning it over to God. If God wills for me to have it then I will have it. If he doesn't, then it doesn't matter what I do. I won't have it. I'm just frusterated with where I'm at in my place of life...

No matter what happens life can be beautiful if I choose to see the good, focus on the positive. I need to remember that. Things will always be okay in the end. I can't believe that God has brought me this far to drop me on my ass. Let me tell you one thing. I refuse to believe it. I just have to remember my twelve step program only promises freedom from active addiction. Anything else is a gift from God.

I've recieved freedom from active addiction. I dont spend all day with needles in my arms or a pipe in my mouth anymore. I no longer binge drink so I can get to sleep after being up for days. So, I've recieved the only thing the program has promised me...

I just want more. But, I'll continue to pray to God and see what he wills for me. I realize how far I've come. And if I've come this far I can probably go even further. It comes down to turning my will and life over to God or giving up and dieing a hopeless dope fiend... Giving up and giving in is no longer an option to me...