Changes

Sometimes it’s hard to move on because a lot of the time moving on means letting go of people that you don’t want to. At least that is the negative side. The positive side is realizing that you’ve grown up and apart for them, and leaving them behind is the best thing that you can do for them and yourself. I think it can also mean allowing you to change. There are certain people in all of our lives who help us change and go through it with us. At the same time there are the individuals in all of our lives that we learned what we could from, and now, the two of us are at different places. If we keep them in our lives it could stop of from growing. That’s the last thing I want in my life. Right now my life has so much promise, possibility, love, happiness, and hope.

I have to accept that he’s with someone else. He meant something to me in the moment, but that moment is like any other in life. It doesn’t last forever. It’s gone. I haven’t seen him in two weeks. And I realize the longer I’m away from him, the more I realized how attached to him I was. I’d be lying if I said there aren’t moments that I miss him and in those moments that I’d give anything to go back to April. This is the part where acceptance comes in. He chose to be with her. Not me. It’s over. It’s time to let go of the place in time where I had a deeper meaning in his life. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel the hurt he instilled inside of me, because I still do on some level. He believed in me, still does, and he helped me. But, I don’t need him anymore…

I spoke on another panel Saturday night. The first panel before I went on my trip was like eight women. This time it was about forty women. I was so nervous. But, it was so worth it. I got just as much out of the panel as any of those women could have. It made me feel so grateful and blessed to be clean. I realized what I have and how I will fight tooth and nail before letting it go. I want to live and I never wanted that before. Hell, I want things for myself I never dared to want. Life has been so amazing lately… I get to be a clean and sober woman who lives with a sense of dignity as well as pride. I won’t let that go without a fight.